Let’s Not Crash and Burn

It is how we all get started. Way back in freshman or sophomore year of high school ( maybe earlier, maybe later, who cares) and you’re in your new girlfriend’s basement. The television is on and some shitty movie is playing, but you’re not watching it. Upstairs, her parents and younger siblings are watching a movie and you can smell the buttered popcorn wafting down the stairs (because, god forbid, they let you close the door). The two of you start making out. At first you’re tentative–you’ve only been dating a week or so and you haven’t figured out any of those sorts of things those in relationships figure out. You don’t know how they like to kiss, you don’t know where they love to get kissed, you don’t know anything other than their last name (hopefully). Then, while making out, you get a hard-on.

What to do, what to do. Later on in the relationship, you might know that it is okay to push against her, but not now. No, you’re clueless. So you keep making out, hoping for the best, but at the same time trying to figure out what to do. Do you pull your pelvis back so that it doesn’t bump into her? Do you try and tuck it in your waistband? Then, all is okay, because she’s grinding up against you. You pull her close and soon, you’re both sitting up, and she’s on top of you. And this is cool, you’ve never been in this position before. Where do your hands go? Do you make a move for her chest? You can’t think of any of that because YOUR DICK IS AGAINST HER, and in a way, it feels good. You don’t get anywhere, and you masturbate furiously once you get home, but all in all it is a good night.

Skip ahead. 

You’re in college and you’ve been with a number of girls. You go out at night with hopes of maybe meeting a girl and seeing what she looks like naked without having to imagine it as you talk to her at the bar.  So you do end up meeting a girl and you’re back and her bra is off and you’re pants are still on and you’re dick is raging hard. She flips you over and you’re on top pushing against her jeans. And its going nowhere. She’s not grabbing for you, not doing anything, she just keeps trying to get you to push against her. And then it starts hurting. Like, a lot. Your head feels like it is being crushed with every thrust. You want to stop, but you can’t.  Pound, pound, pound. You really, really want to stop, your dick’s head is really hurting, but there is still that primal part of you, and every other guy on the planet, that won’t give up. It may feel good, it may feel good, you keep thinking. But then it doesn’t. Ever. 

All dry humping does is cause you’re dick serious pain and in some cases, injury. Yes, I said injury.

I was home over a break one time, making out with a girl in my head. She was on her period, so we couldn’t do anything. We began dry humping. As usual, I was into it at first, it didn’t hurt at that point. And then it began to hurt. And we were still doing it. All I was thinking was, I hope she blows me soon, i hope she blows me soon. That moment when the girl stops it and takes control is one of the best ever. Better than finding out you got into college or got that internship or anything. Anyway.

So we keep going, and i mean we’re going at it, when i feel something warm and wet around my dick. I think okay, fine, precum, whatever. Then i look down for a second. There. Is. Blood. Everything. And I start thinking, wow, thank girl, way to bleed all over me. I slow down the making out and say I have to go to the bathroom. In there, I go to take my shorts off and there is blood on my boxers too. This isn’t looking goof. On further inspection I see it is coming from me. There was a small cut on my dick just below the head. A CUT. Dry humping made me bleed. After trying to clean up a bit I went back to my room and changed shorts. I don’t think she noticed. She might’ve thought I was a little weird when I was doing gymnast-like bends to keep my pelvis from her pelvis, but oh well.

So what does any of this mean? Boys, watch your junk, it can hurt to dry hump. If it hurts, stop, you could injure yourself. Girls, be kind to guys, at least acknowledge they might be in pain at some point. Thanks.